Just Say “No”! Boundaries and Why They’re Important.

*Please note: This video is not therapy or a substitute for therapy.

No one can dispute that helping other people is actually a really great quality. People-pleasers, for example, have that quality living inside of them all the time, which doesn’t seem bad, right? Well, it isn’t the best. I mean, we want to be sensitive to the needs of others, but not always at the expense of our own.

When we start to cater to the every whim of the people around us, we start getting ourselves into hot water. People who find themselves in this kind of scenario often, need to establish boundaries.

Let’s get into the nitty gritty of what boundaries are.

What are boundaries?

Imagine buying a plot of land.

You’re told that it extends from point A to point B.

The owner before you didn’t have a fence, so it’s hard to tell exactly where those boundaries are. It becomes your responsibility to make sure that you and others can see where your property ends and where the rest of the world begins.

So you set up a gated fence around the property line. It boundaries off the space that belongs to you.

The gate might have a code or lock of some kind to keep it secure.

Strangers can tell where your property is, and can’t just walk right in.

Maybe for those who you don’t know very well, you, yourself, unlock the gate for them, until you know them better to give them the key code.

But, when you invite a good friend over, she unlocks it, opens the gate and comes in on her own.

So, you see, this fence helps protect your property. Without it, no one else can tell where your property begins. Your property might be used by others for whatever they want. People could just walk right through your yard to get to the yard behind you. Or they might even set up some chairs and start relaxing in your yard. Maybe park their car on the lawn. Sounds pretty rude, right?

Well, now, imagine the property is you and the fence is your personal boundary.

Do you see my point?

Boundaries are good. Boundaries are healthy.

Why do you need boundaries?

·       Boundaries help you recognize that you do have limits –

Respecting that you have boundaries, in the first place, is important. They can help you stay mindful of your own needs, so you don’t max out or overextend. They keep you accountable to yourself. Additionally, knowing where they are can help you communicate them to others.

·       Boundaries can help others know where your limits are –

This is helpful because people will gradually start to notice changes in you when you establish boundaries with them. When you don’t respond “yes” immediately to every volunteer opportunity, it sends a message to others that you might not always be available. The hope is that they realize and accept the limit so that they will respect them.

·       Boundaries can protect you –

If you need to keep a distance from people and things that might be unhealthy for you, we can lean into your boundaries and keep yourself safe from them. Boundaries keep you from feeling bitter or resentful toward others. They keep you from being mistreated. Boundaries help you test the waters of a new relationship, so you can first build trust in it.

Some important tips about boundaries:

·       Often, people who tend to put others first don’t realize that they need boundaries. If this is you, start by acknowledging that everyone needs and deserves boundaries.

·       Boundaries should exist in all relationships to some extent. That’s right! Boundaries are appropriate in marriage, with children, with other family members and friends.

·       Not all boundaries are created equal. Depending on the situation, sometimes boundaries can be flexible. Other times, they need to be firm. Think about the example I gave with the gated fence. As you become more and more comfortable with them, you’ll begin to be able to decipher which ones are necessary and when.

·       Establishing and keeping boundaries can be uncomfortable at first. Remember, you and the people around you are not used to them, and it may feel a bit funny. It’s important to keep it up and not give in to your usual MO. Tell yourself, “if they were important enough to establish, they’re important enough to keep.”

·       Saying “no” is hard sometimes. Try practicing with those pesky telemarketers! They’re easy to stand up to because you don’t have a personal connection with them. But it’s a good place to start!

If you need help establishing boundaries, reach out to me today. I can’t wait to see the change in you once you start realizing your value, and setting yourself up with reasonable and healthy boundaries. You won’t regret it.

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